Blog

Wish it could last longer.

It was such a beautiful time. The five years I spent with them. I miss those old days. I miss everything about us. I miss them alot. Yeah we were kids back then, about the age of 6. Our friendship was the best in school. We tagged ourselves Best Friends Forever. We sure were the best friends. Millions of secrets, millions and millions of buckets full of love we were sure to never let go.

Until one day, June 1, 2010. We went in different directions. I left the school, the city. I left all of them. And it all started with me. I had no other choice except to go with my family. Our group came down from 5 to 4 and slowly, as years went by, the number kept dropping. 

Everything was a mess for me since then. Friendships got harder and harder. I found no replacement for them. My heart broke, infact it still is. Every single time I look at the old photographs, nostalgia hits me hard.

I wish it could last longer.

I can never get the time back. I can never get all of them back. But, I can never forget them. They were the paradise I once entered the school for. 

We haven’t met since 7 years. And, we weren’t in touch for the past 2 years. The last we mailed was in 2015.

Everything changed as time flew away. We changed. We grew up and are in different cities around the globe. Everything about us have changed. We’ve become each others memory. But, probably the best memory for me.

I miss all of them.

I wish, someday we meet and talk and giggle for hours and hours like we once did.


P.S. for those who are wondering why we mailed each other in a world where social networking sites are a big hit… well, there are several reasons for this, but mainly because I do not own an account on any of the site currently, and well, mailing the old conventional way is fun. So, why not?

Advertisements

Not a pleasant morning afterall. 

It was dark outside. No sound to be heard. Everyone was in deep sleep, it seemed. I checked the clock and it was nearly three. This morning was different. I never woke up at three before. But, this time I was wide awake with random thoughts racing, and their voice echoing in my head.

You’ve changed”!
“You don’t talk to us like you used to”!
“You better get studying”!
“It’s the last year of school”.
“I’m leaving”.


Their words, their tone, exactly the same. One after another, they shut me up. I pulled my hair, punched the wall, but they never stopped. There was a sudden pinch in my throat. It ached really bad. I wanted to scream. Wanted to tell them to shut up. I just wanted to yell! But, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t stop my tears. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t stop myself. I was a complete mess in the first hour of the day. 

Minute after minute, all I could think of was this. It hurted me till the core. But, I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck in the middle of something. I’m not sure what! 

My hand started to hurt. My throat, it was just about to tear. How long? For how much longer, should I face this shit?! Is there anything good made for me? 

The girl with a broken wing.

Tied by chains, she pulled herself.
The sky grew dark.
The wind howled.
The leaves rustled.
It wasn’t less than a nightmare.

..

She couldn’t fly anymore.
They broke her wing,
Took her flight away, took her heart away.
She was trapped,
Bound by chains.
There stood a girl with a broken wing
And a broken dream.

..

The storm raged,
Scattered every single piece of her.
She screamed. She cried.
Her eyes burned.
But, they flew right past her.
Bound by the chains,
She was the girl with a broken wing.


~Sapphire Wilson



P.S. This is my first poem after two years. I apologise for any mistake.I have completely lost the skills to write anyway. So trying to get back on track, I start up with this.

Hit by guilt.


Guilt isn’t always a rational thing…
Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.
~ Maureen Johnson


An innocent face, but all she did was lied. Maybe not everytime. But this was the first time she told the biggest lie about herself, about her life. She tried to stop; but to hide one lie, she continued lying. Guilty, regretful, pitiful was all she felt. It was difficult for her to move on with this lie. The fear of losing people, trust provoked her not to tell the truth. How could she smile along with the lie? Everything was happening to her for the first time. And so was this lie. There was no joy on her face to the beautiful lies she had put forth. She couldn’t help herself. She shouldn’t have lied. Regret was killing her from within. She decided she would stop at once, but the questions they asked didn’t allow her to stop. The truth being bitter couldn’t be confessed. The urge for a confession killed her. This time she couldn’t scream else everyone would get to know about it. 

Slowly converting into the biggest liar, she never thought she would have to tell a hundered lies just to hide one. She couldn’t focus on anything else except the lies and the upcoming lies she was going to say. She needed to end this without everyone getting to know it. She needed to stop faking her emotions. Cause, the lies only gave her guilt and hurt. Not wanting to take the smile off their faces she had to continue lying and since it started with a lie she had to end it with a lie. Cause telling the truth would kill a lot of things she took a lot of time building. 




The truth was difficult to come out but she understood and promised herself to never ever lie again.



It’s suffocating.

My head aches. My eyes hurt. I hate what I’ve come to be. Failures pushed me down every single time, but this time I’m drowning. There is no way to escape. It’s deep. Nobody can reach me. I can’t see their hands follow. I’ve been pulling my hair and scratching my wrist. Tears stream down like rivers. But what can I do? I can’t change what has happened. I am not strong enough. I’ve been screaming. I thought I needed help, but now I realise even some help won’t help. I’ve come too far. I hate where I am. I hate what I have become. I hate that nobody is around. I hate it. 

My cheek is soaking in tears. My eyes have dried out. Keratoconus makes it worse. I already have a blurred vision, I just hope I don’t turn blind. I don’t want to take care of myself. I’m a hopeless, useless wreck. I’m horrid. My head still aches. It’s just all black. What do I do? I’m empty. I have nothing left. 

“What happened to you”? 

“I know you are much stronger than this”!

You know these don’t help. I’m sorry. It’s just f* crazy. Please get me out of this. Help me. I can’t breathe now. 

Dramatised, I guess.

It’s weird how you hurt me and then come back talking to me like you did nothing. Why do I even talk to you after whatever you did? I know it might seem nothing to you. Or maybe it is nothing at all. I might be making all this up. I might be creating the drama. And most probaby I guess I am. Maybe you just said it with no intentions to hurt me. But, I don’t know if its just me or do you treat others like this too? Why am I even nice to you after all you did? Why do I even treat you like normal after all you said? Why? Am I a jerk? Your words killed me like those were knives. You sat with me just because a friend of mine told you to. You called me boring. And if not being boring means a filthy mind. I’m happy to be boring. You told me not to talk to you once. And then, when I did what you said, you text me asking if I was mad at you. Like, what? What do you think I am? I’m not a toy you can play with when you are bored and have no one around. And what if I might have said yes? What would you have done then? I’m totally stupid. I should have said yes because I’m literally done with you now. But no, I was like- no. With a smiley face. Now I understand why people call me a jerk.

Others say that it would have hurt them too… they say, “why do you even give a shit about him, why do you even care?” Well… that’s the point. I care. Uselessly. I care about everyone except myself. I’ve been self harming since 2 years. Yes yes self harming. The scars still haunt me. And I know self harming won’t become intense. I know that. Unless… this shit is gonna be there for a few more years. I don’t know what will happen to me then. Because it’s not easy to handle. Everyone can not do it with a smile on the face. 

I have taken an anxiety quiz over the net. Well, that’s what I do when I’m bored. Take quizzez and analyse myself. Know what kind of a person I am. And the result? It says I have anxiety. And I know I don’t, cause i probably dramatised it while answering those questions.

Anyway, that’s all I got to say about this person right now. I know he isn’t gonna change. It’s still gonna be the same. 

How weird is it…? I should be piling up good memories cause the end of school is near, but I’m sitting there piling up some stories that I know will change my perspective towards friendship, people n all.

Nothing’s right.

Today. I just wanna talk. I know it’s gonna be a soliloquy, but here I am.


So, hey. What’s up? Everything okay?
Huh what? Okay? This word has vanished from my dictionary. Well… what do I say? I’ve become a complete mess. My life’s a complete mess.


What’s wrong? You can tell me. 
Well… I don’t know what’s right? I’ve cried enough. I’ve lied enough. I’ve smiled enough. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a mess. I was once a girl scrounging for love wherever I could. But, yeah, I got same results from everywhere. Even here. And now, I just can’t seem to do anything. Because whatever I did lead me to no where. Lead me to a grave where I found myself dead at every moment. And you are asking me what’s wrong? You look at me each day, can’t you see, can’t you just look at me and understand, well no one can. So who are you? 


Who am I? Woah girl, this doesn’t justify. There are some people okay, two people trying to ask you what’s wrong, they’re trying to make you smile, and you ain’t telling them. If you don’t, how are things going to better? 
Huh what? Did you forget how others treated me in the end, did you forget how horribly they left me by myself. They let me weep. They didn’t come back. How do you expect me to tell them what’s wrong. Actually, how am I gonna tell them that everything’s wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is going how it’s supposed to. I know, I know I can’t expect everything to be perfect. And I’m not even expecting it to be. But there isn’t even one thing right, perfect is just way too far. My exams aren’t going well. I can find no peace anywhere. I go home, all I do is study. Then what the hell happens in the exam, I don’t know. I’ve messed it up completely. My life is become difficult. I’m a total failure filled with flaws. Nobody likes me (I don’t care about this though). Locking myself in the bathroom, crying alone doesn’t help. Cuddling stuff toys doesn’t help. Playing with kids doesn’t help. Studying doesn’t help. My mind wanders into the same old shit and my same old worthlessness. Now I understand why people call me boring on my face. It’s like a slap. A tight one. But yeah I do understand why they call me boring. Coz they can’t say I’m a worthless useless shit. All they can call me is boring. So that it doesn’t hurt that much. I like their style now. Haha. 


You know the fake laugh and sending fake emojis didn’t help earlier and won’t help now too right?
Hmm… they never did. Yes yes they never ever did. At least they didn’t make me a fool in front of others. And didn’t make them think I’m useless. At least they made my social life okay.

Tell me, do you still want to know what’s right in my life?

I’m just tired.

​I’m tired of the feign love.
I’m tired of the feign friendships.
I’m tired of being let down everytime.
I’m tired of being hurt.
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not.
I’m tired of my flaws.
I’m tired of feeling broken, damaged, worthless.
I’m tired of letting people know I exist.
I’m tired of being a third wheel.
I’m tired of being attached to people.
I’m tired of letting people in my lives and burning me up.
I’m tired of the fake promises.
I’m tired of all the lies.
I’m tired of being treated like shit.
I’m tired of holding it all in.
Yes. And now, I’m tired of being tired.

~Sapphire

You are reserved.

A Letter?

​Life won’t be the same without you.
I’m gonna be a mess. I know.
Who am I gonna express my pain/joy to? Who am I gonna narrate my stories to? Who will ever understand me?
It hurts everytime I think of being seperated.
It hurts. It literally does.
The pain in my throat, the moistened eyes make me wanna scream n shout even louder. I dont know why.
Why do good things have to end so early?
It’s just gonna be different. Life’s gonna be a complete mess.
You are my support. Happiness comes from you. And you know that too.
I’ve stopped cripping for friends, because you are an army. You gave me love, affection, care. You gave me all of it. But the worst part is… *I dont wanna say it*
Nobody could ever seperate us in these years. Nobody, even if they tried. Nobody could. But this time, it’s time. Time is gonna seperate us. Why?? Why on Earth do good things have to end so early? Life is hard.
We may end up being miles apart. Tell me, will you still remember me? Will you still love me the way you do? Will you still care about me? Will you still send me snaps, all the crazy stuff? Time moves on and it will eventually fade everything away, won’t it?
It’s just too harsh for me. I cant… I cant let you get out my life like that. You didn’t even tell me you’ll be going soon. You didn’t even warn me. All of a sudden, now we discover there are 4 months left.
It hurts. It freaking hurts. I don’t know why tears stream down.
I don’t know why I keep thinking of it. I know i should be studying, but instead, I end up with this.
I’ll miss you.
You can never be replaced. That little space in my heart is reserved for you… forever.
I love you.
~Soul Sister.

I’ve cared enough. Thank you for your love. 

We often create bridges to connect with people. Love. Pain. Wanting. Anxiety. Hate. What else do two people need to stay in touch?

~Omair Tarique


We aren’t who we used to be. We’ve changed bridges from love and friendship to pain and hate. I dont know if you feel the same or is it just me thinking about crap. Yes, crap. Because, in the end I would be the one sitting there thinking overthinking about how we were and how we have become. Why do I even care? Why do I keep thinking about shit? Why do I? 

After you changed, I always tried to talk and always tried to bring back the old you, the old us. But no, you never let me. You broke your connection with me, and the worst part of it was is back bitching. You’ve back bitched about me. Yes, I got to know. Sad, huh? See… the one’s you trust dont really like you. Cause perhaps you’ve behaved the same with them and now all you are doing is trying to act sweet. But, I was the one who really cared. But… oops, to late now… I’m glad I slipped off your hands. This time, I’m glad you oiled your hands before you could grab mine. And yes, I’m not gonna forgive you like I used to. I’m done with hearing all the nonsense. Times may have changed but you didn’t. Thank you for so much love. Thank you for the care. Thank you. 

Friendships don’t turn out to be the best part of my life.