The city was asleep. No horns. No speeding cars. The shut stores. Everything was calm but, her brain. The neurons transmitted signals here and there. There was something going on she was unaware of. The adrenaline rushed through activating different cells. Sweat ran across her neck and chest. She clenched her fist gathering the blanket. She could feel the blood flow. Her heart pounded hard enough to break its own walls.
Those creases between her brows had alot to say.
Tripping over something invisbile, she woke up terrified, breathing heavily.
2:30 AM the clock read.
“Not again,” she muttered.
Failure, rejection, falling, fire, everything in one go. It wasn’t one of those pleasant dreams that rarely crossed her.
Nightmares struck her again and again. Till this day, when she is afraid. Just to fall asleep.
There is a desire that resides deep within me. To run away to some far away place where no one knows me. No friendships. No acquaintances. Everyone with a new face and a new story to narrate. I want to be surrounded by strangers again. I want to carve a new path without traces of the past. I want to be free of all the fakeness around me.
The desire is always there, rushing through my veins. The sight of empty roads brings in the urge again and again.
How amazing would it be; to start a new adventure, a new life. To change my looks, identity and personality. To begin all over again and never look back.
This month has been wonderful so far. For the first time, after a long time, I can say that the only cause of my happiness is me. I knew; to bring a change in my life I had to change my perspective to look at things, and, I’m glad I did.
I won’t say I’m getting everything I ever wanted or wished for, but all that I do recieve does add up to the curve on my face.
Yes, sometimes I do get thoughts of the past… but forcing myself out of them is eventually the best feeling.
All this time I’ve been shut out by people and I’ve been hurted, intentionally or unintentionally. And now, I’ve finally gathered enough courage to shut them out of my life. It is some sort of pleasure, I must say. But, this does not mean I’m treating people like they treated me, cause then what will be the difference between me and them?
Some of them left me cause they thought they were getting better than me in everything, mainly academics. And now, I gotta prove all of them wrong. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s not impossible.
I’m happy with this new version of mine even though it isn’t into being social. But learning to love myself is something really wonderful which I wish I could have started earlier.
But, it’s never too late.
P.S. I’ve updated my About and Find me page. Make sure to check it out too.
Wow! This was a surprise in the notifications today. Thank you everyone for the follows.
There wouldn’t be a best time to say this: it has been a great time here… the love, the empathy, thank you for understanding me and supporting me.
Thank you everyone for keeping my spirit to write alive.
I never knew that I would ever love writing so much till I got here.
Lots of love,
I thought everything was going to change with the new year. It was after so long I had finally picked up myself to let go of people who hurted me. I was finally doing something for myself. Even though it was very pleasing, it didn’t turn out to be as good as I expected.
Now, I guess trying to become a little selfish isn’t helping me. I’m losing people during this process of finding myself. I tried so much to not let them leave but maybe my real self does not fit in with them. Maybe, just maybe, I’m a little rude and well… brutally honest. Yes I’m very different. I like that. *No more loathing* But, if my real self is dragging me away from people, I don’t know what to do. ((I don’t even know if it’s my real self or not. It’s just another version of me which seems better..))
I do not want to run after people anymore. Those who like me for who I am, will stay. I can not show much love anymore. I’m tired of expressing even though they just proved to be futile.
Yes I’m a dork, and my grades are all that is important. To get up from the bottom is not going to be easy. My goals are completely different from everyone. My parents expect too much from me; and now, all I’m trying to do is, live up to their expectations.
Managing everything is not going to be easy. Because, in this version, it is the first time when things seem to favour me.I have to prove many people wrong- those who let me down and those who never expected anything from me.
Plus, the simple fact, I know I would be left out in any group so just learning to be with myself helps.