Nothing’s right.

Today. I just wanna talk. I know it’s gonna be a soliloquy, but here I am.


So, hey. What’s up? Everything okay?
Huh what? Okay? This word has vanished from my dictionary. Well… what do I say? I’ve become a complete mess. My life’s a complete mess.


What’s wrong? You can tell me. 
Well… I don’t know what’s right? I’ve cried enough. I’ve lied enough. I’ve smiled enough. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a mess. I was once a girl scrounging for love wherever I could. But, yeah, I got same results from everywhere. Even here. And now, I just can’t seem to do anything. Because whatever I did lead me to no where. Lead me to a grave where I found myself dead at every moment. And you are asking me what’s wrong? You look at me each day, can’t you see, can’t you just look at me and understand, well no one can. So who are you? 


Who am I? Woah girl, this doesn’t justify. There are some people okay, two people trying to ask you what’s wrong, they’re trying to make you smile, and you ain’t telling them. If you don’t, how are things going to better? 
Huh what? Did you forget how others treated me in the end, did you forget how horribly they left me by myself. They let me weep. They didn’t come back. How do you expect me to tell them what’s wrong. Actually, how am I gonna tell them that everything’s wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is going how it’s supposed to. I know, I know I can’t expect everything to be perfect. And I’m not even expecting it to be. But there isn’t even one thing right, perfect is just way too far. My exams aren’t going well. I can find no peace anywhere. I go home, all I do is study. Then what the hell happens in the exam, I don’t know. I’ve messed it up completely. My life is become difficult. I’m a total failure filled with flaws. Nobody likes me (I don’t care about this though). Locking myself in the bathroom, crying alone doesn’t help. Cuddling stuff toys doesn’t help. Playing with kids doesn’t help. Studying doesn’t help. My mind wanders into the same old shit and my same old worthlessness. Now I understand why people call me boring on my face. It’s like a slap. A tight one. But yeah I do understand why they call me boring. Coz they can’t say I’m a worthless useless shit. All they can call me is boring. So that it doesn’t hurt that much. I like their style now. Haha. 


You know the fake laugh and sending fake emojis didn’t help earlier and won’t help now too right?
Hmm… they never did. Yes yes they never ever did. At least they didn’t make me a fool in front of others. And didn’t make them think I’m useless. At least they made my social life okay.

Tell me, do you still want to know what’s right in my life?

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The road not taken. A poem.

I have connected a lot with this poem. Just thought of sharing this.



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

Ambivalence? Again?

His eyes so beautiful, smile so charming, attitude so lovely, just a little hard for her to resist. She stood there waiting for him to say something. She knew he wouldn’t say a word. He didn’t know her. Or did he? But she stood right there. Just waiting. 

The sun glared. The leaves rustled. And the time didn’t stop for anything to occur. Neither did she stop waiting. She stopped gazing the trees and the grass around, looked up, and her eyes met his. She smiled. And her heart beat fast… so fast that she couldn’t catch it. She could feel the butterflies come again. She thought she had lost it. Infact, she had really lost it for those few minutes.
But… an experience revoked her. She was determined to not go further… because, she knew it would be a pain later. A pain so hard, she wouldn’t recover. Silence became the best tool she could use then. Everything inside her calmed. The butterflies flew away. She looked down and preferred going away instead of getting her heart burnt of all she had to deny.