Today. I just wanna talk. I know it’s gonna be a soliloquy, but here I am.
So, hey. What’s up? Everything okay?
Huh what? Okay? This word has vanished from my dictionary. Well… what do I say? I’ve become a complete mess. My life’s a complete mess.
What’s wrong? You can tell me. Well… I don’t know what’s right? I’ve cried enough. I’ve lied enough. I’ve smiled enough. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a mess. I was once a girl scrounging for love wherever I could. But, yeah, I got same results from everywhere. Even here. And now, I just can’t seem to do anything. Because whatever I did lead me to no where. Lead me to a grave where I found myself dead at every moment. And you are asking me what’s wrong? You look at me each day, can’t you see, can’t you just look at me and understand, well no one can. So who are you?
Who am I? Woah girl, this doesn’t justify. There are some people okay, two people trying to ask you what’s wrong, they’re trying to make you smile, and you ain’t telling them. If you don’t, how are things going to better? Huh what? Did you forget how others treated me in the end, did you forget how horribly they left me by myself. They let me weep. They didn’t come back. How do you expect me to tell them what’s wrong. Actually, how am I gonna tell them that everything’s wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is going how it’s supposed to. I know, I know I can’t expect everything to be perfect. And I’m not even expecting it to be. But there isn’t even one thing right, perfect is just way too far. My exams aren’t going well. I can find no peace anywhere. I go home, all I do is study. Then what the hell happens in the exam, I don’t know. I’ve messed it up completely. My life is become difficult. I’m a total failure filled with flaws. Nobody likes me (I don’t care about this though). Locking myself in the bathroom, crying alone doesn’t help. Cuddling stuff toys doesn’t help. Playing with kids doesn’t help. Studying doesn’t help. My mind wanders into the same old shit and my same old worthlessness. Now I understand why people call me boring on my face. It’s like a slap. A tight one. But yeah I do understand why they call me boring. Coz they can’t say I’m a worthless useless shit. All they can call me is boring. So that it doesn’t hurt that much. I like their style now. Haha.
You know the fake laugh and sending fake emojis didn’t help earlier and won’t help now too right? Hmm… they never did. Yes yes they never ever did. At least they didn’t make me a fool in front of others. And didn’t make them think I’m useless. At least they made my social life okay.
Tell me, do you still want to know what’s right in my life?
Failures pushed her. She saw no hope. It wasn’t a great day; but like most of the days she felt what nobody ever understood. ‘Building special memories?’, she thought was just a misnomer. The urge to scream ended up with nail marks on her hand. The clutter she had built ended up with blood on the floor. And the dark days ended up with wet pillows at night.
It wasn’t the end of her life. It wasn’t the good time either. But she had waited enough for the beautiful days to come back, she had waited enough for the people around her to understand how harsh it feels on hearing those words, she had waited enough for those special people to come back in her life, she had waited too long; this just had to happen.
The pressure of scheduled tests wasn’t easy to handle. And those thoughts, those words rang in her ear every single time she opened the books. Fudgeling, made it worse.
Life was challenging her. And it had been too long, she failed and was left in a worse state.
Her heart ached. Her strength was lost. She needed someone to hug her and say they’re there for her. She needed someone to stay. She needed a little love. She needed to breathe.
23rd May 2017, we were honoured by respective positions in the council body of the school. Yes, I was one of them. Many were left heart broken. Many were happy to get a respectable position (President, Vice President and the Secretary).
I was chosen to be the secretary of Science Club. Yes, I was happy (I didn’t have any hope of getting any position anyway *grins*). It is the lowest position. But I never cared about being in the lowest or in the top position. Yes, I would have been a little more happier if I would have got a better one.
But little did I know, me being a secretary would be treated like that. And I never knew that a guy who was so sweet to me last year would ever hurt me this way. I never knew he would change just being at a higher position. I never knew. One should know, that everyone can not be a hero straight away, and especially people like me. I am not one of the popular kids in school. I am not an outspoken person. And making a position in school was very difficult for me. I am not like you. You should know that. At least I am a part of the council body… plus, a position is a position. You can not judge it. And let me tell you, you are no boss here, it’s a school. And everyones treated the same way. You don’t have any right to force me to do anything.
What if, I’m better at something else you do not know? A position can not define me.
And this, defines you. Now I know you aren’t who I thought you were. Now I know your truest colours. And I promise you, you will surely regret saying whatever you did someday.
Someday you will.