It’s never too late.

This month has been wonderful so far. For the first time, after a long time, I can say that the only cause of my happiness is me. I knew; to bring a change in my life I had to change my perspective to look at things, and, I’m glad I did.

I won’t say I’m getting everything I ever wanted or wished for, but all that I do recieve does add up to the curve on my face.

Yes, sometimes I do get thoughts of the past… but forcing myself out of them is eventually the best feeling.

All this time I’ve been shut out by people and I’ve been hurted, intentionally or unintentionally. And now, I’ve finally gathered enough courage to shut them out of my life. It is some sort of pleasure, I must say. But, this does not mean I’m treating people like they treated me, cause then what will be the difference between me and them?

Some of them left me cause they thought they were getting better than me in everything, mainly academics. And now, I gotta prove all of them wrong. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s not impossible.

I’m happy with this new version of mine even though it isn’t into being social. But learning to love myself is something really wonderful which I wish I could have started earlier.

But, it’s never too late.

P.S. I’ve updated my About and Find me page. Make sure to check it out too.



A new version.

I thought everything was going to change with the new year. It was after so long I had finally picked up myself to let go of people who hurted me. I was finally doing something for myself. Even though it was very pleasing, it didn’t turn out to be as good as I expected.

Now, I guess trying to become a little selfish isn’t helping me. I’m losing people during this process of finding myself. I tried so much to not let them leave but maybe my real self does not fit in with them. Maybe, just maybe, I’m a little rude and well… brutally honest. Yes I’m very different. I like that. *No more loathing* But, if my real self is dragging me away from people, I don’t know what to do. ((I don’t even know if it’s my real self or not. It’s just another version of me which seems better..))

I do not want to run after people anymore. Those who like me for who I am, will stay. I can not show much love anymore. I’m tired of expressing even though they just proved to be futile.

Yes I’m a dork, and my grades are all that is important. To get up from the bottom is not going to be easy. My goals are completely different from everyone. My parents expect too much from me; and now, all I’m trying to do is, live up to their expectations.

Managing everything is not going to be easy. Because, in this version, it is the first time when things seem to favour me.I have to prove many people wrong- those who let me down and those who never expected anything from me.

Plus, the simple fact, I know I would be left out in any group so just learning to be with myself helps.

The ruined side of me. Again.

“Mom let’s go”, my brother shouted. “Bye”, I said.

I shut the door and moved towards my room, with my phone in one hand, a clenched fist, moistened eyes, and a pricking throat. I sat on my bed and before I could do anything, I bursted up. Tears streamed down. My nose turned red. I started coughing. The strong walls I had built just broke in a fraction of a second. My eyes were burning, turning red. But, the tears just streamed down continuously.

My fear proved to be my fear. Again. They said, they wouldn’t make me feel the way others did, but yeah, how did I just believe them again. It was all the same. Everything from 9 am to 5:30 pm. And, the kind of texts I recieved from people, worsened the situation. I had been a third wheel since long, and yes obviously, now too.

Everything from the start played in my head. Not once, not twice, but a couple of times. My eyes kept dripping. My heart was broken, shattered in pieces. I had no control on whatever I was doing, from pulling my hair to rapping the ruler on my hand. My hand had turned red. It hurted, but not as much as it did to make me wanna cry.

I am sick and tired of such a life. Every time I feel something good is gonna happen, it’s just the opposite. People enter my life, alter a part of me, and… well, leave. Why? Why do I need to face this? I haven’t hurted anyone. Have I? I haven’t stolen anyone’s smile. Then why do they do this? Why just me every single time?

There, the time just passes by… and its been half an hour since I lay on my bed, doing nothing but letting my eyes dry out.


Hit by guilt.

Guilt isn’t always a rational thing…
Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.
~ Maureen Johnson

An innocent face, but all she did was lied. Maybe not everytime. But this was the first time she told the biggest lie about herself, about her life. She tried to stop; but to hide one lie, she continued lying. Guilty, regretful, pitiful was all she felt. It was difficult for her to move on with this lie. The fear of losing people, trust provoked her not to tell the truth. How could she smile along with the lie? Everything was happening to her for the first time. And so was this lie. There was no joy on her face to the beautiful lies she had put forth. She couldn’t help herself. She shouldn’t have lied. Regret was killing her from within. She decided she would stop at once, but the questions they asked didn’t allow her to stop. The truth being bitter couldn’t be confessed. The urge for a confession killed her. This time she couldn’t scream else everyone would get to know about it. 

Slowly converting into the biggest liar, she never thought she would have to tell a hundered lies just to hide one. She couldn’t focus on anything else except the lies and the upcoming lies she was going to say. She needed to end this without everyone getting to know it. She needed to stop faking her emotions. Cause, the lies only gave her guilt and hurt. Not wanting to take the smile off their faces she had to continue lying and since it started with a lie she had to end it with a lie. Cause telling the truth would kill a lot of things she took a lot of time building. 

The truth was difficult to come out but she understood and promised herself to never ever lie again.


Dramatised, I guess.

It’s weird how you hurt me and then come back talking to me like you did nothing. Why do I even talk to you after whatever you did? I know it might seem nothing to you. Or maybe it is nothing at all. I might be making all this up. I might be creating the drama. And most probaby I guess I am. Maybe you just said it with no intentions to hurt me. But, I don’t know if its just me or do you treat others like this too? Why am I even nice to you after all you did? Why do I even treat you like normal after all you said? Why? Am I a jerk? Your words killed me like those were knives. You sat with me just because a friend of mine told you to. You called me boring. And if not being boring means a filthy mind. I’m happy to be boring. You told me not to talk to you once. And then, when I did what you said, you text me asking if I was mad at you. Like, what? What do you think I am? I’m not a toy you can play with when you are bored and have no one around. And what if I might have said yes? What would you have done then? I’m totally stupid. I should have said yes because I’m literally done with you now. But no, I was like- no. With a smiley face. Now I understand why people call me a jerk.

Others say that it would have hurt them too… they say, “why do you even give a shit about him, why do you even care?” Well… that’s the point. I care. Uselessly. I care about everyone except myself. I’ve been self harming since 2 years. Yes yes self harming. The scars still haunt me. And I know self harming won’t become intense. I know that. Unless… this shit is gonna be there for a few more years. I don’t know what will happen to me then. Because it’s not easy to handle. Everyone can not do it with a smile on the face. 

I have taken an anxiety quiz over the net. Well, that’s what I do when I’m bored. Take quizzez and analyse myself. Know what kind of a person I am. And the result? It says I have anxiety. And I know I don’t, cause i probably dramatised it while answering those questions.

Anyway, that’s all I got to say about this person right now. I know he isn’t gonna change. It’s still gonna be the same. 

How weird is it…? I should be piling up good memories cause the end of school is near, but I’m sitting there piling up some stories that I know will change my perspective towards friendship, people n all.