Guilt isn’t always a rational thing…
Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.
~ Maureen Johnson
An innocent face, but all she did was lied. Maybe not everytime. But this was the first time she told the biggest lie about herself, about her life. She tried to stop; but to hide one lie, she continued lying. Guilty, regretful, pitiful was all she felt. It was difficult for her to move on with this lie. The fear of losing people, trust provoked her not to tell the truth. How could she smile along with the lie? Everything was happening to her for the first time. And so was this lie. There was no joy on her face to the beautiful lies she had put forth. She couldn’t help herself. She shouldn’t have lied. Regret was killing her from within. She decided she would stop at once, but the questions they asked didn’t allow her to stop. The truth being bitter couldn’t be confessed. The urge for a confession killed her. This time she couldn’t scream else everyone would get to know about it.
Slowly converting into the biggest liar, she never thought she would have to tell a hundered lies just to hide one. She couldn’t focus on anything else except the lies and the upcoming lies she was going to say. She needed to end this without everyone getting to know it. She needed to stop faking her emotions. Cause, the lies only gave her guilt and hurt. Not wanting to take the smile off their faces she had to continue lying and since it started with a lie she had to end it with a lie. Cause telling the truth would kill a lot of things she took a lot of time building.
The truth was difficult to come out but she understood and promised herself to never ever lie again.
It’s weird how you hurt me and then come back talking to me like you did nothing. Why do I even talk to you after whatever you did? I know it might seem nothing to you. Or maybe it is nothing at all. I might be making all this up. I might be creating the drama. And most probaby I guess I am. Maybe you just said it with no intentions to hurt me. But, I don’t know if its just me or do you treat others like this too? Why am I even nice to you after all you did? Why do I even treat you like normal after all you said? Why? Am I a jerk? Your words killed me like those were knives. You sat with me just because a friend of mine told you to. You called me boring. And if not being boring means a filthy mind. I’m happy to be boring. You told me not to talk to you once. And then, when I did what you said, you text me asking if I was mad at you. Like, what? What do you think I am? I’m not a toy you can play with when you are bored and have no one around. And what if I might have said yes? What would you have done then? I’m totally stupid. I should have said yes because I’m literally done with you now. But no, I was like- no. With a smiley face. Now I understand why people call me a jerk.
Others say that it would have hurt them too… they say, “why do you even give a shit about him, why do you even care?” Well… that’s the point. I care. Uselessly. I care about everyone except myself. I’ve been self harming since 2 years. Yes yes self harming. The scars still haunt me. And I know self harming won’t become intense. I know that. Unless… this shit is gonna be there for a few more years. I don’t know what will happen to me then. Because it’s not easy to handle. Everyone can not do it with a smile on the face.
I have taken an anxiety quiz over the net. Well, that’s what I do when I’m bored. Take quizzez and analyse myself. Know what kind of a person I am. And the result? It says I have anxiety. And I know I don’t, cause i probably dramatised it while answering those questions.
Anyway, that’s all I got to say about this person right now. I know he isn’t gonna change. It’s still gonna be the same.
How weird is it…? I should be piling up good memories cause the end of school is near, but I’m sitting there piling up some stories that I know will change my perspective towards friendship, people n all.
Today. I just wanna talk. I know it’s gonna be a soliloquy, but here I am.
So, hey. What’s up? Everything okay?
Huh what? Okay? This word has vanished from my dictionary. Well… what do I say? I’ve become a complete mess. My life’s a complete mess.
What’s wrong? You can tell me. Well… I don’t know what’s right? I’ve cried enough. I’ve lied enough. I’ve smiled enough. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a mess. I was once a girl scrounging for love wherever I could. But, yeah, I got same results from everywhere. Even here. And now, I just can’t seem to do anything. Because whatever I did lead me to no where. Lead me to a grave where I found myself dead at every moment. And you are asking me what’s wrong? You look at me each day, can’t you see, can’t you just look at me and understand, well no one can. So who are you?
Who am I? Woah girl, this doesn’t justify. There are some people okay, two people trying to ask you what’s wrong, they’re trying to make you smile, and you ain’t telling them. If you don’t, how are things going to better? Huh what? Did you forget how others treated me in the end, did you forget how horribly they left me by myself. They let me weep. They didn’t come back. How do you expect me to tell them what’s wrong. Actually, how am I gonna tell them that everything’s wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is going how it’s supposed to. I know, I know I can’t expect everything to be perfect. And I’m not even expecting it to be. But there isn’t even one thing right, perfect is just way too far. My exams aren’t going well. I can find no peace anywhere. I go home, all I do is study. Then what the hell happens in the exam, I don’t know. I’ve messed it up completely. My life is become difficult. I’m a total failure filled with flaws. Nobody likes me (I don’t care about this though). Locking myself in the bathroom, crying alone doesn’t help. Cuddling stuff toys doesn’t help. Playing with kids doesn’t help. Studying doesn’t help. My mind wanders into the same old shit and my same old worthlessness. Now I understand why people call me boring on my face. It’s like a slap. A tight one. But yeah I do understand why they call me boring. Coz they can’t say I’m a worthless useless shit. All they can call me is boring. So that it doesn’t hurt that much. I like their style now. Haha.
You know the fake laugh and sending fake emojis didn’t help earlier and won’t help now too right? Hmm… they never did. Yes yes they never ever did. At least they didn’t make me a fool in front of others. And didn’t make them think I’m useless. At least they made my social life okay.
Tell me, do you still want to know what’s right in my life?
Failures pushed her. She saw no hope. It wasn’t a great day; but like most of the days she felt what nobody ever understood. ‘Building special memories?’, she thought was just a misnomer. The urge to scream ended up with nail marks on her hand. The clutter she had built ended up with blood on the floor. And the dark days ended up with wet pillows at night.
It wasn’t the end of her life. It wasn’t the good time either. But she had waited enough for the beautiful days to come back, she had waited enough for the people around her to understand how harsh it feels on hearing those words, she had waited enough for those special people to come back in her life, she had waited too long; this just had to happen.
The pressure of scheduled tests wasn’t easy to handle. And those thoughts, those words rang in her ear every single time she opened the books. Fudgeling, made it worse.
Life was challenging her. And it had been too long, she failed and was left in a worse state.
Her heart ached. Her strength was lost. She needed someone to hug her and say they’re there for her. She needed someone to stay. She needed a little love. She needed to breathe.
Days went by. Time never stopped. It was getting tougher. She wasn’t prepared to face anything that came towards her. Failures had already pulled her down many times, she was afraid that this could be the next.
Every single time she gathered the pieces and tried to get up, someone/something pushed her with a larger force each time. The force is so large, so strong that the pieces become even smaller. She never gave up but the last experience was so bitter that the present has never been sweet enough.
Nothing favoured her. Neither did she herself.
It grew darker. The moon shone brighter. City lights filled the city with life. It was comparitively quiet.
She stood there in the balcony gazing the sky, waiting for a shooting star. She wanted to make a wish. A wish, uncertain to be true. It was getting tough and the pain in her throat made it tougher. But she kept on gazing; because, it was a last hope.