A new version.

I thought everything was going to change with the new year. It was after so long I had finally picked up myself to let go of people who hurted me. I was finally doing something for myself. Even though it was very pleasing, it didn’t turn out to be as good as I expected.

Now, I guess trying to become a little selfish isn’t helping me. I’m losing people during this process of finding myself. I tried so much to not let them leave but maybe my real self does not fit in with them. Maybe, just maybe, I’m a little rude and well… brutally honest. Yes I’m very different. I like that. *No more loathing* But, if my real self is dragging me away from people, I don’t know what to do. ((I don’t even know if it’s my real self or not. It’s just another version of me which seems better..))

I do not want to run after people anymore. Those who like me for who I am, will stay. I can not show much love anymore. I’m tired of expressing even though they just proved to be futile.

Yes I’m a dork, and my grades are all that is important. To get up from the bottom is not going to be easy. My goals are completely different from everyone. My parents expect too much from me; and now, all I’m trying to do is, live up to their expectations.

Managing everything is not going to be easy. Because, in this version, it is the first time when things seem to favour me.I have to prove many people wrong- those who let me down and those who never expected anything from me.

Plus, the simple fact, I know I would be left out in any group so just learning to be with myself helps.


The ruined side of me. Again.

“Mom let’s go”, my brother shouted. “Bye”, I said.

I shut the door and moved towards my room, with my phone in one hand, a clenched fist, moistened eyes, and a pricking throat. I sat on my bed and before I could do anything, I bursted up. Tears streamed down. My nose turned red. I started coughing. The strong walls I had built just broke in a fraction of a second. My eyes were burning, turning red. But, the tears just streamed down continuously.

My fear proved to be my fear. Again. They said, they wouldn’t make me feel the way others did, but yeah, how did I just believe them again. It was all the same. Everything from 9 am to 5:30 pm. And, the kind of texts I recieved from people, worsened the situation. I had been a third wheel since long, and yes obviously, now too.

Everything from the start played in my head. Not once, not twice, but a couple of times. My eyes kept dripping. My heart was broken, shattered in pieces. I had no control on whatever I was doing, from pulling my hair to rapping the ruler on my hand. My hand had turned red. It hurted, but not as much as it did to make me wanna cry.

I am sick and tired of such a life. Every time I feel something good is gonna happen, it’s just the opposite. People enter my life, alter a part of me, and… well, leave. Why? Why do I need to face this? I haven’t hurted anyone. Have I? I haven’t stolen anyone’s smile. Then why do they do this? Why just me every single time?

There, the time just passes by… and its been half an hour since I lay on my bed, doing nothing but letting my eyes dry out.

Not a pleasant morning afterall. 

It was dark outside. No sound to be heard. Everyone was in deep sleep, it seemed. I checked the clock and it was nearly three. This morning was different. I never woke up at three before. But, this time I was wide awake with random thoughts racing, and their voice echoing in my head.

You’ve changed”!
“You don’t talk to us like you used to”!
“You better get studying”!
“It’s the last year of school”.
“I’m leaving”.

Their words, their tone, exactly the same. One after another, they shut me up. I pulled my hair, punched the wall, but they never stopped. There was a sudden pinch in my throat. It ached really bad. I wanted to scream. Wanted to tell them to shut up. I just wanted to yell! But, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t stop my tears. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t stop myself. I was a complete mess in the first hour of the day. 

Minute after minute, all I could think of was this. It hurted me till the core. But, I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck in the middle of something. I’m not sure what! 

My hand started to hurt. My throat, it was just about to tear. How long? For how much longer, should I face this shit?! Is there anything good made for me? 


I’m just tired.

​I’m tired of the feign love.
I’m tired of the feign friendships.
I’m tired of being let down everytime.
I’m tired of being hurt.
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not.
I’m tired of my flaws.
I’m tired of feeling broken, damaged, worthless.
I’m tired of letting people know I exist.
I’m tired of being a third wheel.
I’m tired of being attached to people.
I’m tired of letting people in my lives and burning me up.
I’m tired of the fake promises.
I’m tired of all the lies.
I’m tired of being treated like shit.
I’m tired of holding it all in.
Yes. And now, I’m tired of being tired.



I’ve cared enough. Thank you for your love. 

We often create bridges to connect with people. Love. Pain. Wanting. Anxiety. Hate. What else do two people need to stay in touch?

~Omair Tarique

We aren’t who we used to be. We’ve changed bridges from love and friendship to pain and hate. I dont know if you feel the same or is it just me thinking about crap. Yes, crap. Because, in the end I would be the one sitting there thinking overthinking about how we were and how we have become. Why do I even care? Why do I keep thinking about shit? Why do I? 

After you changed, I always tried to talk and always tried to bring back the old you, the old us. But no, you never let me. You broke your connection with me, and the worst part of it was is back bitching. You’ve back bitched about me. Yes, I got to know. Sad, huh? See… the one’s you trust dont really like you. Cause perhaps you’ve behaved the same with them and now all you are doing is trying to act sweet. But, I was the one who really cared. But… oops, to late now… I’m glad I slipped off your hands. This time, I’m glad you oiled your hands before you could grab mine. And yes, I’m not gonna forgive you like I used to. I’m done with hearing all the nonsense. Times may have changed but you didn’t. Thank you for so much love. Thank you for the care. Thank you. 

Friendships don’t turn out to be the best part of my life.