Today. I just wanna talk. I know it’s gonna be a soliloquy, but here I am.
So, hey. What’s up? Everything okay?
Huh what? Okay? This word has vanished from my dictionary. Well… what do I say? I’ve become a complete mess. My life’s a complete mess.
What’s wrong? You can tell me. Well… I don’t know what’s right? I’ve cried enough. I’ve lied enough. I’ve smiled enough. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a mess. I was once a girl scrounging for love wherever I could. But, yeah, I got same results from everywhere. Even here. And now, I just can’t seem to do anything. Because whatever I did lead me to no where. Lead me to a grave where I found myself dead at every moment. And you are asking me what’s wrong? You look at me each day, can’t you see, can’t you just look at me and understand, well no one can. So who are you?
Who am I? Woah girl, this doesn’t justify. There are some people okay, two people trying to ask you what’s wrong, they’re trying to make you smile, and you ain’t telling them. If you don’t, how are things going to better? Huh what? Did you forget how others treated me in the end, did you forget how horribly they left me by myself. They let me weep. They didn’t come back. How do you expect me to tell them what’s wrong. Actually, how am I gonna tell them that everything’s wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is going how it’s supposed to. I know, I know I can’t expect everything to be perfect. And I’m not even expecting it to be. But there isn’t even one thing right, perfect is just way too far. My exams aren’t going well. I can find no peace anywhere. I go home, all I do is study. Then what the hell happens in the exam, I don’t know. I’ve messed it up completely. My life is become difficult. I’m a total failure filled with flaws. Nobody likes me (I don’t care about this though). Locking myself in the bathroom, crying alone doesn’t help. Cuddling stuff toys doesn’t help. Playing with kids doesn’t help. Studying doesn’t help. My mind wanders into the same old shit and my same old worthlessness. Now I understand why people call me boring on my face. It’s like a slap. A tight one. But yeah I do understand why they call me boring. Coz they can’t say I’m a worthless useless shit. All they can call me is boring. So that it doesn’t hurt that much. I like their style now. Haha.
You know the fake laugh and sending fake emojis didn’t help earlier and won’t help now too right? Hmm… they never did. Yes yes they never ever did. At least they didn’t make me a fool in front of others. And didn’t make them think I’m useless. At least they made my social life okay.
Tell me, do you still want to know what’s right in my life?
Life won’t be the same without you.
I’m gonna be a mess. I know.
Who am I gonna express my pain/joy to? Who am I gonna narrate my stories to? Who will ever understand me?
It hurts everytime I think of being seperated.
It hurts. It literally does.
The pain in my throat, the moistened eyes make me wanna scream n shout even louder. I dont know why.
Why do good things have to end so early?
It’s just gonna be different. Life’s gonna be a complete mess.
You are my support. Happiness comes from you. And you know that too.
I’ve stopped cripping for friends, because you are an army. You gave me love, affection, care. You gave me all of it. But the worst part is…
*I dont wanna say it*
Nobody could ever seperate us in these years. Nobody, even if they tried. Nobody could. But this time, it’s time. Time is gonna seperate us. Why?? Why on Earth do good things have to end so early? Life is hard.
We may end up being miles apart. Tell me, will you still remember me? Will you still love me the way you do? Will you still care about me? Will you still send me snaps, all the crazy stuff? Time moves on and it will eventually fade everything away, won’t it?
It’s just too harsh for me. I cant… I cant let you get out my life like that. You didn’t even tell me you’ll be going soon. You didn’t even warn me. All of a sudden, now we discover there are 4 months left.
It hurts. It freaking hurts. I don’t know why tears stream down.
I don’t know why I keep thinking of it. I know i should be studying, but instead, I end up with this.
I’ll miss you.
You can never be replaced. That little space in my heart is reserved for you… forever.
I love you.
We often create bridges to connect with people. Love. Pain. Wanting. Anxiety. Hate. What else do two people need to stay in touch?
We aren’t who we used to be. We’ve changed bridges from love and friendship to pain and hate. I dont know if you feel the same or is it just me thinking about crap. Yes, crap. Because, in the end I would be the one sitting there
thinking overthinking about how we were and how we have become. Why do I even care? Why do I keep thinking about shit? Why do I?
After you changed, I always tried to talk and always tried to bring back the old you, the old us. But no, you never let me. You broke your connection with me, and the worst part of it
was is back bitching. You’ve back bitched about me. Yes, I got to know. Sad, huh? See… the one’s you trust dont really like you. Cause perhaps you’ve behaved the same with them and now all you are doing is trying to act sweet. But, I was the one who really cared. But… oops, to late now… I’m glad I slipped off your hands. This time, I’m glad you oiled your hands before you could grab mine. And yes, I’m not gonna forgive you like I used to. I’m done with hearing all the nonsense. Times may have changed but you didn’t. Thank you for so much love. Thank you for the care. Thank you.
Friendships don’t turn out to be the best part of my life.
I’m not one of those beautiful looking people in school. I’m not a popular kid. Being popular in my school needs either intelligence or looks. This ain’t my philosophy though. But the people in my school have many perspectives and this is one of them.
We have been talking about looks recently. We have been judging people on various aspects, which made me think, do looks matter? Are people with looks on top of any person’s list? Does being beautiful change the mindset of people?
I agree looks matter. Of course they do, but to what extent? Is there just one criteria? If there are many, why do people end up judging the rest just on the basis of one?
Boys of my class always look for curves. But do they realise everyone can not get everything. Do curves make a girl beautiful? Does it emphasise her character? Her personality? Is it curves that guys fall for? Falling for curves is just lust. Isn’t it? And there is a difference between Lust and love.
Liking someone for just looks is lust not love.
Before I sign off, I would really like to know, how much do looks matter?
I have connected a lot with this poem. Just thought of sharing this.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Getting back to wordpress is so difficult but I really wanna get back. I never wanted to start with this “I-have-come-back” post, but, I have no post in mind, rather I should say I just don’t know how to write and what to write first.
Many of you reading this might wonder where I was (I suppose), well I was busy. Not really, but yeah. Since my parents don’t know about my blog it is difficult to come up. And the major reason is, since I’m a teenager of 17 and am in the last year of school I have to perform my best in all exams though I haven’t. And I hate that. It’s the only thing I hate. Really. (Umm… well no, if you wanna consider insects, I hate them too)
I know this is a stupid post. But I just wanna start of with something. Be it this. This is my third post in my new blog. (I deleted the old one 😢😓, for certain reasons) and this is my second stupid post. I just shouldn’t consider them as three posts. Hope I end up writing more posts… of me, my journey of life, the things that hurt me, the people who end up changing for certain reasons, the things I never want to happen but they are the first things to happen etc. etc.
Hope to see you guys soon.